1
00:00:03,009 --> 00:00:04,249
Dearest Benjamin,

2
00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:07,937
I'm so pleased you're able to attend
your Uncle Harvey's funeral.

3
00:00:08,063 --> 00:00:11,305
It means the world to the girls
and myself to have you there.

4
00:00:11,556 --> 00:00:14,431
Of course, with it being the first
Monday in the month,

5
00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:16,872
I will be honouring Nude Day as usual,

6
00:00:16,998 --> 00:00:19,672
which is what I believe your
Uncle Harvey would have wished.

7
00:00:19,798 --> 00:00:23,155
- It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly.
- We are now approaching Royston Vasey,

8
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,475
where this train terminates.
This is the end of the line.

9
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:27,984
Let me get your bag.

10
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,728
- Y'all right, love?
- I'm looking for the mayor's office.

11
00:00:44,853 --> 00:00:47,168
Oh, it's just down there on your left.

12
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,656
You can't miss it,
it's the only one not boarded up.

13
00:00:49,782 --> 00:00:50,983
Thank you.

14
00:00:51,109 --> 00:00:52,309
Hey!

15
00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:56,213
Hey, it didn't used to be
like this, you know. Vasey.

16
00:00:56,339 --> 00:00:58,054
- Really?
- No!

17
00:00:58,250 --> 00:01:00,415
Used to be a right shit-hole.

18
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,385
Derek!

19
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,244
- Your first patient's here.
- Thank you!

20
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,880
Cheers!

21
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,475
Taking their two front teeth out,
aren't we?

22
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,800
Just a check-up.

23
00:01:30,629 --> 00:01:35,229
Synced and corrected by minouhse
<font color="

24
00:02:06,077 --> 00:02:07,998
_

25
00:02:16,831 --> 00:02:18,817
_

26
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,234
So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,

27
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,078
after all this time?

28
00:02:24,204 --> 00:02:27,181
It is, though under
sad circumstances, obviously.

29
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,035
Do you two know each other?

30
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,793
Yes. Barbara was the first person
I met in Royston Vasey.

31
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,754
As she was very friendly,
as I remember it.

32
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,315
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We'll have none of that in here!

33
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,800
No hate speech.

34
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,475
Hate speech?
I...

35
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,235
Gender neutral pronouns only.

36
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,115
People used to make fun
of the likes of us.

37
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,995
Well, that's all gone now.
The world's moved on.

38
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,115
We are no longer a source
of cheap humour and laughs.

39
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,155
No.

40
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,555
And this cab is a safe, friendly,
mutually respectful,

41
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,035
and above all, tolerant space!

42
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,835
Of course, Barbara.
What pronoun do you use?

43
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,875
Well, if you don't know,
you can piss off out of it.

44
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,486
I'm not fucking telling you!

45
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:39,192
- Hello.
- Hello, there.

46
00:03:39,318 --> 00:03:41,231
And who do we have here, then?

47
00:03:41,595 --> 00:03:43,670
This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.

48
00:03:43,874 --> 00:03:46,473
Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs
for ages.

49
00:03:46,599 --> 00:03:47,634
I see.

50
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,275
So we put out some cat food
and some milk in a little saucer,

51
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,336
and after a few weeks...
along came Mittens.

52
00:03:54,462 --> 00:03:56,222
What seems to be the problem?

53
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,755
Oh!
Good heavens!

54
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,955
Well... you'll have to excuse me
if I look a little excited...

55
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,805
This is quite an unusual disorder.

56
00:04:04,931 --> 00:04:07,035
- Will he die?
- No, no, no, no, no.

57
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,715
It's not as dramatic as it looks.

58
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,075
It's a mild condition
that occasionally affects

59
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:16,595
members of the Erinaceidae family...
The spiny mammals.

60
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,035
- Oh, really?
- Yes.

61
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:23,804
Pockets of air can build up between
the musculature and the epidermis.

62
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,725
Then an underlying infection
causes a build-up of gas

63
00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:29,856
- beneath the hedgehog's skin.
- Sounds nasty.

64
00:04:29,982 --> 00:04:31,497
Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

65
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:37,145
Insertion of a small cannula will
gently release the built-up air.

66
00:04:37,835 --> 00:04:40,670
Mittens will be back to
normal size in no time.

67
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,606
Don't you worry, Daisy.

68
00:04:42,732 --> 00:04:46,087
Perhaps you could sing him a
little song to distract him.

69
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,920
Put him at his ease, hmm?

70
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,115


71
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,235
♪ How I wonder what you are... ♪

72
00:05:04,488 --> 00:05:06,288
I can't see!

73
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,144
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

74
00:05:12,582 --> 00:05:14,995
Have you thought about getting a puppy?

75
00:05:24,194 --> 00:05:27,782
What do you mean, squatters?
Them flats is coming down Wednesday.

76
00:05:28,899 --> 00:05:31,331
All right.
I'll swing by later.

77
00:05:33,322 --> 00:05:35,237
Where do you want us to move it to,
boss?

78
00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:36,554
Oh, just bin it.

79
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,519
In a couple of months' time, Royston
Vasey ain't even going to exist.

80
00:05:41,393 --> 00:05:43,668
Didn't there used to be a shop up here?

81
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,080
No idea.

82
00:05:56,322 --> 00:05:57,354
They're doing what?

83
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,218
Apparently, the county are moving
the boundary line

84
00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:01,930
to exclude Royston Vasey.

85
00:06:02,056 --> 00:06:06,611
It'll bring down crime statistics,
unemployment figures,

86
00:06:06,768 --> 00:06:08,391
missing persons...

87
00:06:08,688 --> 00:06:10,494
Yours are the highest on record.

88
00:06:11,825 --> 00:06:14,823
Well, at least we're good
at something, eh, Murray?

89
00:06:14,949 --> 00:06:16,269
So what'll happen to us?

90
00:06:17,307 --> 00:06:19,315
From what we've heard at the Chronicle,

91
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,009
you're going to be incorporated
into one of the bigger towns.

92
00:06:23,188 --> 00:06:24,993
Like Spent or Blackbottoms.

93
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,493
Do you have a comment on that?

94
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,074
Have you ever read the Bible, pet?

95
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,275
- No. No, I haven't.
- No, me neither.

96
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,995
But apparently, there was
a place called Sodom,

97
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,475
which was full of incest,
buggery and murder.

98
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,214
Eventually it was destroyed.

99
00:06:41,340 --> 00:06:43,735
Shat on by God from a great height.

100
00:06:44,123 --> 00:06:46,718
- Welcome to Royston Vasey.
- What do you mean?

101
00:06:46,844 --> 00:06:50,543
If they want to force us
into Blackbottoms, then so be it.

102
00:06:50,715 --> 00:06:52,390
It's no skin off my fanny.

103
00:06:52,585 --> 00:06:54,634
But Bernice,
they've got their own mayor.

104
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,746
We'd lose our jobs,
our hospitality budget,

105
00:06:57,872 --> 00:07:00,120
your free parking spot
outside of Oddbins.

106
00:07:00,246 --> 00:07:03,206
Fuck that. Get some placards
and paint and phone rent-a-mob.

107
00:07:03,362 --> 00:07:05,601
We're not going down without a fight.

108
00:07:10,902 --> 00:07:13,955
So, are you going anywhere nice
on your holidays, Benjamin?

109
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,371
I've just booked for the
Isle of Man, actually.

110
00:07:16,497 --> 00:07:18,092
Er... Isle of what?

111
00:07:18,465 --> 00:07:19,900
Er... Isle of Wight.

112
00:07:20,026 --> 00:07:23,058
- Racist.
- Erm... just here, thank you, Barbara.

113
00:07:29,308 --> 00:07:30,663
There you go.

114
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,911
Thank you, Barbara. See you.

115
00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:34,317
Thank you.

116
00:07:36,836 --> 00:07:38,755
Barbara's gone a bit militant,
hasn't she?

117
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,755
Yes, he has.

118
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,795
Your Uncle Harvey would have approved.

119
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,835
He always liked to see things
correctly labelled, as you know.

120
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,640
A place for everything, and...
everything in its place.

121
00:07:50,263 --> 00:07:52,529
Yes.
I remember.

122
00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:56,165
Is the key under the mat?

123
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,600
Sort of.

124
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,597
Oh...

125
00:08:22,019 --> 00:08:23,320
Make yourself at home.

126
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,818
Auntie Val... are you all right?

127
00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:49,343
Yes, quite all right.

128
00:08:49,538 --> 00:08:51,298
Everything's perfectly in order.

129
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,903
Do you want me to take my shoes off?

130
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,960
If you like.

131
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,395
Must have been quite a shock.

132
00:09:01,661 --> 00:09:03,993
Harvey had been ill for some time.

133
00:09:04,970 --> 00:09:07,034
But at least I didn't have to
face it alone.

134
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,704
Hello, Benjamin.

135
00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:11,071
It's nice to see you again.

136
00:09:11,197 --> 00:09:13,352
We've had no-one to play with.

137
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,080
For years and years and years.

138
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,480
Oh, God.

139
00:09:19,321 --> 00:09:20,521
I'd forgotten.

140
00:09:21,364 --> 00:09:23,364
_

141
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,395
- All right, lads.
- All right.

142
00:09:38,723 --> 00:09:41,255
Do you, er... need any DVDs?

143
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,475
You what?

144
00:09:42,825 --> 00:09:45,082
DVDs!
They don't know what DVDs are.

145
00:09:45,208 --> 00:09:47,315
They're like videos,
but you don't have to rewind them.

146
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,315
We've got all the latest ones
on pirate.

147
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,915
We've got Matrix,
we've got Sixth Sense,

148
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,786
where he turns out a ghost at the end,

149
00:09:53,912 --> 00:09:56,107
- We've got Pretty Woman.
- Though that is a love.

150
00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:59,715
It is a love, and not like a bluey
love, more like a drama love.

151
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,315
Yeah, pig-shite boring,
to be honest.

152
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,515
Nah, you're all right, mate.

153
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,414
We've got some good horrors.
Silence Of The Lambs.

154
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:06,755
Good killings, though it did
win an Oscar.

155
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,235
Too much acting.

156
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,475
Green Mile.

157
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,315
Got a good death by electric,
and all things coming out his eyes.

158
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,115
Nightmare On Elm Street, where
she gets ate by her own bed...

159
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,155
Classic!

160
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,595
Oh, they're all, like, bare old.

161
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,326
You not got any, like, modern ones
or anything?

162
00:10:20,945 --> 00:10:21,914
Come here.

163
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,480
Did you know they've made
a Terminator 2?

164
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:27,626
There you go!

165
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,799
Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!

166
00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:36,009
Good morning, job-seekers!

167
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,795
Ooh, God, it stinks in here,
can no-one smell it?

168
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,196
Open a window for me, will you?
What's your name?

169
00:10:41,370 --> 00:10:43,428
- Mickey.
- Thank you, Mickey, love.

170
00:10:43,554 --> 00:10:45,327
But before you do...

171
00:10:45,453 --> 00:10:49,756
I want you all to breathe in through
your noses and remember that stench.

172
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:53,035
Cos that is the smell of idleness.

173
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,035
It's the smell of dirty little
bum cracks pumping out the gas

174
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,201
from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.

175
00:10:58,327 --> 00:11:02,562
Eaten cold at four in the morning,
cos time has no meaning for you.

176
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,435
That is your smell, job-seekers...

177
00:11:05,646 --> 00:11:06,802
and I...

178
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,355
am an aerosol.

179
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,497
- You can say that again.
- Er... I beg your pardon?

180
00:11:12,036 --> 00:11:13,771
Did you just say something?

181
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,263
- No.
- What's your name?

182
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,680
- Ross.
- Ross.

183
00:11:19,781 --> 00:11:21,696
I hope I'm not going to have
any problems with you.

184
00:11:21,822 --> 00:11:23,022
Am I?

185
00:11:23,636 --> 00:11:25,111
Not as far as I'm concerned.

186
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,315
Good.

187
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,435
Come and sit up here at the front
next to Mickey love,

188
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,286
where I can keep an eye on you.

189
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:35,069
Right, the rest of you, put your
hands up if you can remember

190
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:39,307
what it was like to have to be in
a certain place at a certain time.

191
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,120
Er...

192
00:11:41,755 --> 00:11:44,197
Here... this morning?

193
00:11:44,323 --> 00:11:45,837
Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.

194
00:11:45,963 --> 00:11:48,155
And it gave you
a sense of purpose, didn't it?

195
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,304
So that's what we're going
to be looking at today -

196
00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:52,658
motivation.

197
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,915
Mickey love, can you dish out
the pens please, Pauline's pens?

198
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,875
And I know exactly how many there are,

199
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,439
so don't be thinking you can smuggle
them out in your bottoms.

200
00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:05,005
- Yeah!
- Be back in a sec.

201
00:12:24,585 --> 00:12:26,100
Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.

202
00:12:26,226 --> 00:12:28,101
Ross, please, just keep going.

203
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,755
- I don't think it's doing any good.
- It is, isn't it, doctor?

204
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,075
Certainly worth a try.

205
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,675
Patients with this form of dementia
do benefit from these re-creations.

206
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,315
It's called reminiscence therapy.

207
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:39,875
But why dredge all this up?

208
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,315
It was a horrible time for all of us.

209
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,640
I liked it.

210
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,720
Pauline?

211
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,237
- Pauline, are you OK?
- Mmm?

212
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,729
Are you a little bit lost?
Yeah.

213
00:13:01,138 --> 00:13:02,784
You're in this room.
Come on.

214
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,840
That's it. In you go.

215
00:13:06,771 --> 00:13:07,971
Here we go.

216
00:13:18,479 --> 00:13:21,430
Right.
Good morning.

217
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,160
My name is...

218
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,876
- Pauline.
- Pauline... Campbell-Jones.

219
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:31,895
Have I done this bit?

220
00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:34,377
And we're all here today...

221
00:13:36,970 --> 00:13:38,641
Something to do with jobs.

222
00:13:39,473 --> 00:13:40,948
Mr Gaines, perhaps it would help

223
00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:43,363
if you were to provoke Pauline
a little.

224
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,034
Write a rude message on the board.

225
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,755
Why would I want to do that?

226
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,847
I believe the relationship between
the two of you was complex.

227
00:13:49,973 --> 00:13:51,875
- He bummed her!
- No, I didn't.

228
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,640
It is often the extremes of emotion
that trigger the frontal cortex.

229
00:13:59,627 --> 00:14:00,827
All right.

230
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,315
But I don't see how anything
I could do could...

231
00:14:05,836 --> 00:14:08,680
Piss off, Ross!
You smug speck of dole scum!

232
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,995
- She broke my jaw!
- How's that for motivation?

233
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,160
You, monkey man! I thought
I told you to dish those pens out!

234
00:14:15,286 --> 00:14:18,766
What are you waiting for?
I'm not stood here for your benefit!

235
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,047
Thanks, Ross!

236
00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:22,804
She's back!

237
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,920
Mummy, Mummy, where are you?

238
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,447
- 'Scuse me...
- Get off!

239
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,160
Pulling on me!

240
00:14:53,798 --> 00:14:57,224
Brian, I've got
a Geoffrey Tipps for you.

241
00:14:57,504 --> 00:14:59,063
Send him round, would you?

242
00:15:00,663 --> 00:15:01,863
Geoff!

243
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:04,469
Geoff!

244
00:15:05,677 --> 00:15:06,955
Oh!

245
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,394
Hiya, Mr Morgan.

246
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,235
Call me Brian, for goodness' sake!

247
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,435
How are you?
It's been ages.

248
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,426
Yeah, I'm all right, yeah.
How are you?

249
00:15:13,552 --> 00:15:16,693
You still having flashbacks
about being stuck in that elephant?

250
00:15:16,819 --> 00:15:19,108
No, no.
That's all in the past.

251
00:15:19,322 --> 00:15:20,557
Therapy helped.

252
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:21,994
How's Mike?

253
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,915
Yeah, he's all right, yeah.
Bit stressed.

254
00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:25,515
You know Cheryl's bed-bound?

255
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,675
No. I heard she got... bigger.

256
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,235
Oh, yeah. She's ridiculous now.
She can't get out of the house!

257
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,155
She's like one of them
American ones, you know,

258
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,131
when they wear grey tracksuits and
have to take a wall out?

259
00:15:34,257 --> 00:15:36,070
- Really?
- Apparently, her bed's on bricks.

260
00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:37,794
Christ. It's a slippery slope.

261
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,074
That's what she needs!

262
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,521
- Hi, Brian.
- Hey!

263
00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:44,035
- Sorry I'm late.
- I was just telling him about the state of Cheryl.

264
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,715
- She's massive now, isn't she, Mike?
- She is, yeah.

265
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,599
In fact I've not got long,
cos she'll need turning soon, so...

266
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:51,595
Absolutely. You've obviously got
a lot on your plate.

267
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,555
It's not his plate that's the problem.
Have you thought about a muzzle?

268
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,045
I understand you have an investment
opportunity to share with us, Geoff.

269
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,675
I do, yeah. Erm...

270
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,795
- Can I use this...?
- Yeah, of course.

271
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,817
Thanks.
It's boiling in here.

272
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,800
Hello, Dragons.

273
00:16:14,044 --> 00:16:16,524
For the past few months,
I've found myself

274
00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:19,205
at the coalface of
horticultural innovation.

275
00:16:19,331 --> 00:16:20,428
He works in a garden centre.

276
00:16:20,554 --> 00:16:22,629
Yeah, Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

277
00:16:22,755 --> 00:16:25,710
My idea will revolutionise
in-store queries,

278
00:16:25,836 --> 00:16:28,809
and provide practical solutions
to all buyers' needs.

279
00:16:28,935 --> 00:16:30,966
Right.
What is it?

280
00:16:31,410 --> 00:16:35,964
The Garden Centre Guru is a booth,
or an upright sentry shed,

281
00:16:36,090 --> 00:16:38,245
you know, like the one he sleeps in
in Chitty Bang Bang.

282
00:16:38,371 --> 00:16:41,728
And me, or one of my team, stand in it,

283
00:16:42,153 --> 00:16:44,431
and we answer questions as they arise.

284
00:16:45,402 --> 00:16:47,397
And what costs would the loan cover?

285
00:16:47,523 --> 00:16:48,918
- Lawn?
- The loan.

286
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,673
Oh, I thought you said lawn, cos of
all the gardens and that. Er...

287
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,315
the building of the shed,
and... all the telephones.

288
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,355
- Telephones?
- Yeah, cos each one of the Tippsters,

289
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,715
they'll be called Tippsters -

290
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,783
will need a mobile phone to provide
all the up-to-date information.

291
00:17:02,909 --> 00:17:05,635
What, so your idea is to stand
in a box in a garden centre,

292
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,235
- like you do all week anyway...
- Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

293
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,555
..and Google any questions
the customers might ask you?

294
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,678
Well, not just that.
Don't do it down!

295
00:17:12,804 --> 00:17:14,491
You make it sound like
that's all there is to it!

296
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,038
Well, what have I missed?

297
00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:19,577
The uniforms.

298
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:23,224
Cos we'll all be wearing
red beefeater outfits.

299
00:17:23,350 --> 00:17:24,475
- Just thought of that now.
- Geoff...

300
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,115
And ice lollies, for the kids.

301
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,115
But then we'll need a freezer,
so, freezer, extension lead...

302
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,692
Geoff, I can't.

303
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,803
We've had that many foreclosures,

304
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:37,355
every business plan has to be
rigorously tried and tested.

305
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,555
I'm sorry.

306
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,043
I said I wouldn't do this, but
I'm going to get on my knees to you.

307
00:17:41,169 --> 00:17:43,484
- Geoff, don't.
- I'm on the bones of me arse here, Brian.

308
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,155
You know I haven't got a gun,
don't you?

309
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,281
- I had to sell it.
- Sorry to hear that.

310
00:17:47,407 --> 00:17:49,722
I eat sandwiches from the bins
at the back of Hammonds.

311
00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:51,139
It's never the good ones.

312
00:17:51,265 --> 00:17:52,844
It's always egg mayonnaise,
it's horrible.

313
00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:55,602
I have to go through the proper
channels, my hands are tied.

314
00:17:57,235 --> 00:17:58,435
You saying you're out?

315
00:17:59,555 --> 00:18:00,755
I'm afraid so.

316
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,400
'Scuse me.

317
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:11,889
I'll do it.

318
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,355
Eh?

319
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,540
I'll make you an offer
for all the money.

320
00:18:17,368 --> 00:18:19,435
- But I'm going to need something in return.
- Oh, here we go!

321
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,430
Gives with one hand,
takes with the other. What is it?

322
00:18:22,917 --> 00:18:24,757
I want you to kill Cheryl for me.

323
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,032
OK.
When do you need it done by?

324
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,187
Oh, no, I don't like to use LGBT.
it's too limiting.

325
00:18:35,313 --> 00:18:36,995
What acronym do you prefer?

326
00:18:37,121 --> 00:18:39,875
The acronym I prefer is ACRONYM.

327
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,929
Actively Considering Reassignment
Or Not Yet Made Your Mind Up.

328
00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:55,549
Come on, Collier, get stuck in!

329
00:18:55,752 --> 00:18:57,443
Give it some welly!

330
00:18:59,602 --> 00:19:01,237
Sorry, we've not met properly.

331
00:19:01,363 --> 00:19:02,954
Terry Webster, head of PE.

332
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,835
Wolf Lipp, Queen of Duisburg.

333
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,755
So what brings you back
to Royston Vasey?

334
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,675
Oh, I just came back to...

335
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,410
dig up some old friends.

336
00:19:12,508 --> 00:19:14,183
Oh, referee!

337
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:17,395
- He's blowing for nothing!
- Really? For nothing?

338
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,160
Which one is she?

339
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,555
Jesus Christ!

340
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,555
And black is usually so slimming!

341
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,915
Get into him, Jonesy!

342
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,915
For God's sake!
The marking's shocking.

343
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,154
Ja, marking can be a problem.

344
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,760
The trick is not to spend
too much time in one area.

345
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,577
- Stroke it around midfield a bit?
- Ja, genau so.

346
00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:40,324
Yeah, you might be right.

347
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,155
- Eh, you should be doing my job!
- Ah!

348
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,840
The experience of an older guy,
that's all.

349
00:19:46,649 --> 00:19:49,275
So what do you reckon -
give Jones another 20 minutes,

350
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,600
and then pull him off?

351
00:19:51,497 --> 00:19:52,972
All right, but, er...

352
00:19:53,098 --> 00:19:55,816
don't tell the other teachers,
or we might get in trouble!

353
00:19:55,942 --> 00:19:57,302
Alles klar?

354
00:20:03,329 --> 00:20:06,218
My beautiful girls.
Don't they make a smashing cake?

355
00:20:07,593 --> 00:20:09,179
It's lovely.

356
00:20:09,521 --> 00:20:11,242
Is that marzipan?

357
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,137
They're deep ones.

358
00:20:14,263 --> 00:20:16,778
They read books
with jaw-cracking words.

359
00:20:16,904 --> 00:20:19,019
Say something out of
one of your books for Benjamin.

360
00:20:19,145 --> 00:20:21,154
Our father has passed.
He was great, sir.

361
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,435
He had two simple rules
we can state, sir.

362
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,915
A toad's a fine pet...
And please don't forget...

363
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,374
In this house we don't masturbate, sir.

364
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,514
Words are wonderful tools,

365
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,734
the more we know, the more we are...
enriched.

366
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:35,495
Yes.
So, erm...

367
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,807
where's the funeral?
Which cemetery is it at?

368
00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:41,197
It's not in a cemetery.

369
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,590
Really?

370
00:20:43,716 --> 00:20:46,751
At first, Harvey wanted to be cremated,

371
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,252
but he couldn't bear the
idea of his reproductive

372
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:54,126
and evacuatory regions being mingled
with the remains of his own face,

373
00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:57,900
so he requested to be incinerated
in two halves.

374
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,587
- I see.
- We even prepared separate urns.

375
00:21:05,308 --> 00:21:08,935
But we couldn't find a crematorium
willing to slice him up

376
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:10,842
and burn him in two sittings.

377
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,190
So we came up with...
another plan.

378
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,052
Eat up, Benjamin.

379
00:21:22,372 --> 00:21:23,572
Eat up.

380
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,747
Ellie Johnson, Vasey Chronicle.

381
00:21:42,012 --> 00:21:44,035
Is it true you're knocking
this building down

382
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,175
because it's right in the middle
of the boundary change?

383
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:48,634
No comment.

384
00:21:57,953 --> 00:22:01,026
There's been reports of
unusual activity here.

385
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,275
Lights on at night...

386
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,563
Erm... graffiti on the walls
in human excrement.

387
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,035
I thought you said unusual activity.

388
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,400
- Can I quote you on that?
- No.

389
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:30,955
..significant wind chill.

390
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,475
It will continue to be windy and
cold, with frost forming in some...

391
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,155
Are you cooking Chapulshka, Dad?

392
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,835
- Certainly am.
- Yes!

393
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,595
Special occasion.

394
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,968
We repaired our 10,000th
phone screen today.

395
00:22:43,345 --> 00:22:44,945
Wasn't this your dad's recipe?

396
00:22:50,132 --> 00:22:52,741
No.
He never made it properly.

397
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,560
- This is the real thing.
- Awesome!

398
00:22:57,225 --> 00:22:59,480
You never really talk about your dad.

399
00:23:00,745 --> 00:23:02,740
It's painful for your father.

400
00:23:02,866 --> 00:23:05,598
His Pop was in the Merchant Navy.

401
00:23:06,090 --> 00:23:08,285
He disappeared at sea 13 years ago...

402
00:23:10,262 --> 00:23:12,195
..and hasn't been seen since.

403
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,319
It remains unsettled.

404
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,795
Well, that's the general weather,

405
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,003
and now with the shipping forecast,
here's Pamela Doove.

406
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:25,047
There are warnings of gales in Viking,
North Utsire, South Utsire.

407
00:23:25,470 --> 00:23:28,954
And you want to wear a big coat...

408
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,073
Who's that at this time of night?

409
00:23:33,514 --> 00:23:36,914
If it's Jehovah's, tell them not
to bother. We're beyond saving.

410
00:23:49,531 --> 00:23:51,985
You better get this porch light fixed.

411
00:23:53,446 --> 00:23:56,375
Someone could have a nasty accident.

412
00:24:46,990 --> 00:24:48,190
What is this?

413
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,720
These look like...
Like price tags.

414
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,400
Doesn't seem like squatters.

415
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,400
Hello?

416
00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:06,730
Yes?

417
00:25:07,191 --> 00:25:08,595
Is someone there?

418
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,379
Can I help you at all?

419
00:25:10,505 --> 00:25:13,995
Are you aware this block is due
to be demolished next week?

420
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,668
No! I'm not aware.
I'm a woman!

421
00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:20,035
Anyway, you shouldn't be in here.
Monday's half-day closing,

422
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,314
didn't you see the sign?

423
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,435
All right, Miss, keep calm,
nothing to worry about.

424
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,001
This is a local shop for local people.

425
00:25:29,797 --> 00:25:31,600
There's nothing for you here.

426
00:25:54,195 --> 00:25:56,885
- All is ready.
- He will return.

427
00:25:57,011 --> 00:25:59,035
And everything will be tidy again.

428
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:02,078
For ever and ever and ever.

429
00:26:11,197 --> 00:26:13,315
Listen, love, it isn't safe
for you to be here.

430
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,798
We've condemned this whole block.

431
00:26:14,924 --> 00:26:17,150
What hole?
I didn't block it!

432
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,306
- The problem is that your flat...
- No, I'm not!

433
00:26:20,822 --> 00:26:22,675
I'm just washing my bra.

434
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,595
You should have been vacated weeks ago.

435
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:26,570
Have you not had a leaflet
pushed through?

436
00:26:26,696 --> 00:26:28,875
Oh, yes!
Er...

437
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,548
Do you mean like this?

438
00:26:31,193 --> 00:26:33,599
They are called "pizzas."

439
00:26:33,996 --> 00:26:36,313
Did you know you can eat them?

440
00:26:36,477 --> 00:26:38,672
- Yes.
- My favourite is...

441
00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:40,233
meat feast.

442
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,758
All right, look, there's obviously been a
breakdown of communications somewhere,

443
00:26:43,884 --> 00:26:46,180
but we can sort it now.
If I could just leave you this...

444
00:26:46,306 --> 00:26:47,327
Aargh!

445
00:26:47,930 --> 00:26:50,120
All right!
It's just a document.

446
00:26:51,278 --> 00:26:52,473
Docklament?

447
00:26:52,629 --> 00:26:53,829
Document.

448
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,841
Ah...

449
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,400
Docklament.

450
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,075
Docklament.

451
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,315
Er... Right, I'll...
I'll just leave this here...

452
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,355
Edward! Edward!

453
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,008
Hello, hello? What's going on,
what's all this shouting?

454
00:27:09,134 --> 00:27:10,355
We'll have no trouble here.

455
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,235
They tried to grab my globes!

456
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,714
Lesbians, eh?

457
00:27:13,847 --> 00:27:15,456
Pair of clitty-cats.

458
00:27:15,582 --> 00:27:19,634
You're thinking even now about using
a broom on my wife's second hole.

459
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,035
Try to deny it.

460
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,355
No, sir, I am a representative
of the council.

461
00:27:23,552 --> 00:27:24,587
Local council?

462
00:27:24,713 --> 00:27:26,954
Yes, and first of all, I must
tell you that you and your wife

463
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,595
have been squatting on this property.

464
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,835
That's because the toilets are broken.

465
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,555
You should be doing something
about that

466
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,395
rather than harassing
innocent citizens.

467
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,315
Secondly, you should not be
running a business

468
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,515
from residential premises.

469
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,223
She tried to block my hole!

470
00:27:39,349 --> 00:27:41,754
You come in here with
your badges and forms,

471
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,835
telling good local people like us

472
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,261
that we can't do this
and we can't do that.

473
00:27:46,387 --> 00:27:48,635
Who do you think you are?
You have no power here.

474
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,315
All right, fine.

475
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,515
We'll leave this one
with Social Services.

476
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,635
Would you mind if I got a quick
picture of the pair of you?

477
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:56,835
I work at the Chronicle.

478
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,609
Certainly. I've always wanted
to feature in the local paper.

479
00:28:00,735 --> 00:28:02,964
You heard the woman, Tubbs.

480
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:05,675
Get undressed.

481
00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:18,660
Synced and corrected by minouhse
www.addic7ed.com